Krispy Kreme: Maple Grove, MN

Who likes a little DRAMA with their donuts? Minnesotans, that’s who!

The first Krispy Kreme retail location opened in Maple Grove in April 2002 with major fanfare and a media shitstorm. And

Krispy Kreme's conveyer-belt donuts couldn't even last a decade in Minnesota

in February 2008,  it went out with less than a whimper.

When the Krispy Kreme opened in Maple Grove, there was  an incredible amount of commotion. I guess it set a KK store opening record. Hundreds of people camped outside the Krispy Kreme for several days,  all local news stations were there doing live reporting from the scene, and they had policemen directing traffic in the area. There were even ad hoc donut tycoons selling boxes of Krispy Kremes on street corners for profit! The congested traffic and long lines went on for months.

Yeah, all of this ballyhoo over hot donuts. Nutrition was officially dead in 2002; long live rotted pancreases, kidneys, and livers!

Ahh, it was such a simpler time back then. In those days, our biggest worry was timing a visit to Krispy Kreme to get there right when the blinking light goes off.  These days, it’s all about the unemployment rate, the in-the-crapper economy, and poisoned peanut butter. These days, no one’s going to play hooky at work to camp out for donuts – ‘cuz if you have a job, you do whatever you can to keep it. (By the way, if you think I’m going to knock on those folks to pitched tents outside of Krispy Kreme, or the donut entrepreneurs who flipped donuts on the black market, you’re wrong. I’m not one to talk. I’m one of those jokers who camped outside of Target for 2 days for a Playstation 3, hoping to make beaucoup bucks on eBay, only to sell it at a loss.)

The Krispy Kreme phenomenon only lasted for six years in Minnesota. Krispy Kreme Minnesota locations began closing in the summer of 2007. The Maple Grove location was the last one standing, and it didn’t last much longer, closing its doors in February 2008. Today, the Krispy Kreme building is empty.

I never understood why people were so krazy about those things. I’d hear the excuse that you have to get them while they’re hot, but when you fry up some shortening and dough, anything will taste good hot. I tried ’em hot and still didn’t get the hype. All it was, was a warm donut. Big whoop. I could emulate the same thing myself in the microwave.

Krispy Kreme’s major fault was they grew so fast that they over saturated the market with their product. In a few short months, KK’s were in every grocery store and every Target in the state. I think everyone in Minnesota pretty much OD’d on donuts.

My first encounter with Krispy Kreme was in October 2001, before Minnesota even had a Krispy Kreme “restaurant.” I was working at Target HQ and Target struck some sort of deal with this particular donut shop to stock these things in their stores. Prior to this, I had never heard of such a place. To celebrate this event, all HQ employees were entitled to a free box of Krispy Kreme glazed donuts down in the lobby.  I swear to God, my coworkers were going apeshit over this stuff.  Our weekly team meeting fell on this same morning during which the donuts were given away, and my manager canceled the meeting so we could all could queue for the free donuts AND have time to sit down and enjoy them.

Now, I’m not much of a donut fan – I’ll eat them, but I don’t get cravings for them (that’s because I eat DANGER for breakfast, not Bavarian Cremes). But because there was so much emotion and fervor over these pastries, curiosity got the best of me, and I found myself taking the elevator down to the lobby to pick up my complementary donuts.

The donuts were handed to me in a green & white polka dotted box with a Krispy Kreme logo that looked so retro, I started to yearn for those simpler times of sock hops, poodle skirts, and Dick & Jane readers. Hey, whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy…evening TV?!

Krispy Kreme has been closed for a year now, but someone is still using their dumpster

I hopped back on the elevator, holding my box of donuts, wondering, “How can CREAM be CRISPY?”  I was perplexed. Is that even scientifically possible? The anticipation grew after every floor the elevator passed.

I thought to myself, “I bet these donuts have some sort of crispy outer shell, yet are creamy on the inside…oooh, that sounds positively divine!” By the time I was back at my desk, I was practically having heart palpitations over my thoughts of the sugary consumables inside the polka dotted box.

I opened up the box, expecting these donuts to blow me away. Instead, I ended up being more disappointed than I was after seeing Jurassic Park III a few months earlier. Staring up at me were twelve generic-looking glazed donuts and a puddle of grease pooling on the bottom of the box.

“These look just like the ones from SuperAmerica,” I thought.  I picked up the donut and immediately wished I had swiped some napkins from the cafeteria. It was incredibly sticky, almost too sticky to hold.  I eagerly took a bite of the donut, hoping to have a near orgasm.

I was incredibly disappointed. It wasn’t crispy and it sure as hell wasn’t creamy. It was simply a sickeningly sweet glazed donut and nothing more. I could feel my pancreas seizing up from trying to fight the sugar and I swore I saw a spare tire forming over my waistband as the donut slid down my gullet.

“Good thing I wore my fat pants today,” I thought. I finished the donut sans orgasm, and stared at the remaining 11 police officer energy rings in the box. No way in hell was I ever going to eat all those damn donuts. I wiped my sticky-donut-residue-covered fingers on my fat pants and offered up the Kremey Krispies to Bob, my cube neighbor.

“What?! You don’t like Krispy Kremes?”

“Errr…well, I tried one, and it’s just a glazed donut.”

“But you gotta try them hot!” Bob insisted.

“Oh yeah, I’ll have to do that. I’m not really a fan of donuts though.”

Poor Bob. His eyes grew wide and he started to stutter. “But! But! You’re a member of the DONUT club?! And you *gasp* don’t like DONUTS?”

You're going to have to find somewhere else to have a heart-attack.

Oooh BUSTED!

 

Eek. Time for a little backpeddling. “Well…errr…I mean, I like donuts, I’m just not in the mood for them today.”

There. Face = SAVED.

I should back up. I failed to mention that during my time at Target, I belonged to this exclusive clique- the DONUT CLUB. (Or as I liked to childishly call it (in my head) – the Donut “Fattening” Club).

Oooh. A donut h8ter in the Donut Club. Did I live on the edge or WHAT?

I joined the Donut Club out of obligation. This was my first job out of college, so I wanted to “network” and try to fit in with my much older colleagues.

The rules of the donut club were that you had to bring 2 dozen donuts of a mixed variety on Thursday morning when it was your turn.  The donuts were to arrive no later than 7:45AM, as the donut club “met” at 8am in the conference room on our floor. Under no circumstances were you to substitute bagels for donuts.

I wasn’t a donut fan, but I joined this donut brotherhood because I figured it’s a good way to get to know everyone — and one donut per week won’t kill me, it’ll just make me feel bloated for a while. I just had to remember to wear those fat pants on Thursdays.

Once Krispy Kreme opened, the hype spilled over to our Donut Club. The rules were amended. If you lived anywhere NEAR a Krispy Kreme, you were to bring Krispy Kreme donuts. I was 4th on the list after the rules were amended and so far, everyone had brought in Krispy Kreme donuts.

The closest Krispy Kreme to me was the one in Maple Grove, but it was quite a bit out of the way. It wasn’t exactly en route to downtown Minneapolis.

Screw that. I was willing to suffer the consequences. The little girl lowest on the corporate ladder was about to break Donut Club Rules of Conduct. This is Minnesota though – and donuts ‘n drama go hand-in-hand.

If I ate a donut here, I wouldn't go to sleep for a few days

 

I ended up buying a box of Cub Foods donuts. I set them on the conference room table, stood back, and let the sparks fly. I had roughly 30 coworkers who were all foaming at the mouth for Krispy Kremes and I had to go & bring generic grocery store pastries. Not exactly a way to win friends and influence people, but fuck if I’m driving all the way out to Maple Grove.

I got out of the meeting without any bruises, but I did overhear several snotty remarks about no Krispy Kremes. I half expected to be discharged from the Donut Club after that, but no. My coworkers weren’t quite that radical.

So, back to Bob. By noon, he had polished off his entire dozen, plus 3 more out of my box. Oink, oink, indeed! Later in the afternoon, I overheard him whining to a few other people, (while shoving another one down his throat), about the donuts not being hot off the conveyor belt. Fuck, dude, they’re FREE. Whatchu complainin’ about?

Today, there is no national donut chain in Minnesota. If you want donuts, you’ll find them at a mom & pop bakery or Cub or Rainbow. However, Dunkin’ Donuts is coming back to the state soon, within the next few years. And you know what, it’s probably going to open with the same fanfare Krispy Kreme did. Lines around the block, community service officers directing traffic, lead story on the 10pm news. What I wonder is, why couldn’t we support the chain when it was here the first time? Because, 10 years ago, the only way Dunkin Donuts could get people to queue up is if they would’ve put opium in their donuts.

The Krispy Kreme drive-thru was once a center of complete chaos. Now it stands empty.

Everyone in Minnesota is clamoring for Dunkin’ Donuts and waxing poetic on how much they miss the place. How the donuts are spectaular and the coffee is to-die-for. The ones I like to laugh at are those fools who claim they just go there for the coffee, not the donuts. Yeah, right. Those are the same people who profess that they go to Hooters just for the wings.

I didn’t mind Dunkin’ Donuts, probably because I’m more of a cake donut fan myself. Dunkin Donuts have SUBSTANCE. You can actually chew them. . Krispy Kremes are mostly air and glaze and turn to mush when you pop them in your mouth. That’s great for Grandpa, but I still have my teeth and I want to use them. You see, if you mushed up a Krispy Kreme in your hand, it would be about the size of a marble. You can’t do that with a Dunkin’.

In KK’s defense, Dunkin’ Donuts are really tiny. Tiny, girly, wee little donuts – not suitable for a real man. You have to eat three of the damn things, when just one Krispy Kreme would’ve done the trick.

A blog post about donuts just isn’t complete without a police officer joke. So I’ll wrap up this long-winded post with my favorite joke:

How am I going to get my fried goo and lard these days?

A policeman pulls a guy over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are quite  bloodshot. Have you been drinking?” The man gets really angry and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

All photos taken Feb. 2009