Sportsman’s Warehouse: Coon Rapids, MN

Strap a smoke-wagon on your side and come visit the SPORTSMAN’S WAREHOUSE

I am NOT an “outdoors” girl. You will not find me hanging out in a tent waiting for bears or hiding behind cattails in the swamp, blowing on a duck call. Why, the last time I was in the Great Outdoors was when I was 17, working at Target, and made out with the cart boy in the woods behind the store during my 15-minute break.

Hell, I don’t even get the point of camping. So you go out in the woods with a tent, some sleeping bags, a bag of marshmallows, and a pack of hot dogs. Then what? Wander around the woods? Bathe with fish? Start a fire boyscout-style? Make love in the brush and then fall asleep on a pile of rocks? Sit around drinking beer?  Not my type of fun. Knowing my luck, all I’d get out of a weekend of camping would be a backache and a nasty hangover. HOTEL, PLEASE.

But before this place turns into an empty, weed-strewn parking lot, Dumpy Strip Malls has a look-see. Let’s just say that I was dragged to this place by my “dear” (pun intended), and I needed a way to entertain myself other than making asinine jokes, like pointing to a large deer head mounted on the wall, saying, “Why, look dear! It’s Lawrence ELK!”

So I figured I’d make this trip worth my while — snap some pics and make a melodramatic blog entry about Sportsman’s Warehouse before it leaves Minnesota for good.

Why couldn’t the Sportsman’s Warehouse 3 locations (Woodbury, St. Cloud, and Coon Rapids) survive in Minnesota? I’m probably not the one to ask since I don’t frequent these types of stores, but I’m guessing it was a lethal combination of the economy (way to go out on a limb there, right?!), and a glut of big box sporting goods-type stores in the area. What, there’s Cabela’s, Joe’s, Gander Mountain, Dick’s, REI, Sports Authority, not to mention the random local bait shops, gun stores, and western-wear outfitters

The exterior of Sportsman’s Warehouse is pretty generic. It doesn’t have the window-dressing and fanfare of a Cabela’s. Hell, this could be a picture of a Bed Bath and Beyond for all you know.

Damn. I remember when the only place to get tackle boxes and canteens was Burger Brothers or the Holiday Superstore. (So ahead of its time, ya know? Full-sized grocery store + mass merchandiser, liquor store, AND sporting goods store. This kind of store was unheard of in the ’80s. You could buy a a head of lettuce, vanilla extract, a Cabbage Patch ragdoll, and new Rapala lure all in the same trip. Pure MAGIC.)

Being true to its “Warehouse” name, the Sportsman’s Warehouse looks like a stockroom with its concrete floors and wood-splintery shelving. No need to make an afternoon here – this isn’t Cabela’s. There is no Titanic-style grand staircase climbing up to a restaurant selling wild game burgers, sickly sweet fudge, and chocolate mousse (tee he he!); Sportsman’s Warehouse has a couple creaky single-file staircases that lead up to a loft where they sell canoes and life vests. No restaurant here, but you’re really hungry you can buy some jerky, Brach’s chocolate covered raisins, and knock-off tootise rolls near the Menards-style, impulse-purchase candyland near the checkout lanes.

They’ve got everything you need for your next excursion into The Wild. Cast iron cookware, backpacks & coolers, clay pigeons, various weaponry, army-grade survival food, pamphlets to guide you on what do to if you stumble upon a meth lab in the woods while hunting, literature of the latest MN/WI hunting & trapping regulations to keep the DNR from kicking down your door, and an assortment of outdoor clothing for those times when Old Navy fleece just won’t do.

I bet Dick Cheney shops at Sportsman’s Warehouse. I don’t think he’s the REI type.

Like Cabela’s, they have feats of taxidermy displayed throughout the store, but it’s nowhere near the Zoo Cemetery that Cabela’s has goin’ on.  Don’t fret though — Sportsman’s Warehouse has plenty to see. Lots of deer heads, muskrats, walleyes, and other various prized wild game species mounted on the walls around the whole store, so you still feel like you’re on a shopping safari. I think the most memorable taxidermy display was this angry-looking, on-a-mission grizzly staged high on a platform near the duck decoy section, posed as if just woke up from hibernation and just spotted a pile of rotting food in a campground trashcan. Some may say that the mummification displays are disheartening and barbaric. Me? Nah. Some of it, like that blasted bear, scares the shit out of me. Where’s  that happy-go-lucky Big Mouth Billy Bass when you need him? (Oh that’s right, he’s off starring in a singsong McDonald’s commercial).

I wandered around with my “dear”, as he looked at compasses and outdoor clothing. Prices were only 30% off — which I was thankful for — had the discount been greater, he would’ve walked out of the store looking like GI Joe.

The gun & ammo counter was busy, no surpise. So many nuts out there think that by the time Obama’s term is up, the only guns we’ll be able to shoot are freakin’ SuperSoakers.  The two guys working behind the counter had on their Wild West standoff “I’m armed and dangerous so don’t fuck with me” faces, thwarting any questions anyone had about anything. Yeesh. So much for getting that new Uzi Tommy Gun 😦 I was planning on shooting some migratory waterfowl. I”m tired of all those damn geese and pigeons pooping on my deck and mating in my yard.

I checked out the women’s clothing section, in hopes  of finding a discounted North Face jacket (Not because I snowshoe or go on winter hikes.  I just need to stay warm in my luxury SUV…). No luck. The racks were pretty bare, except for a shit-ton of pink camouflage bikinis. For a liquidation sale, the store was still pretty organized and neat – it didn’t look like bomb went off in the place like the Maple Grove Circuit City did when I visited during their going out of business sale.

We walked out empty-handed — 30% off just wasn’t enticing enough to make a purchase. I’m sure they slashed prices even deeper, but we never made it back here before that happened.

So yeah, the Sportsman’s Warehouse really isn’t my thing (though those duck decoys are awfully cute!), but my lovely “dear” enjoyed this place and said he was sorry to see it go. And no, it didn’t pull a Circuit City on us; it just fled Minnesota. Sportsman’s Warehouse is based out of Utah and still has many locations, especially in the Western United States. Go West, young man, and you will find the Sportsman’s Warehouse if you so seek it.

Enjoy the rest of the photos! FYI, this place is already closed (shut the doors sometime in April) and a lot of my pictures from inside this place did not turn out well so that’s why there are so few.

Photos taken March 2009 & May 2009.

Soon, there will be 2 blank spots on the Riverdale sign. My guess is that the blank spot on top was a Linen's & Things

Yes, they sell shoes, but don't get too excited. No Jimmy Choos here, ladies. This is a OUTDOORS MANLY-MAN GUY'S GUY store.