The Brookdale “B5” Boyband Riot

November 12, 2005: A day that will live in infamy in Brookdale Mall lore.

Ever heard of a pop group called “B5”? Yeah, me neither. But if you have heard of this boyband, you probably don’t remember their music. You remember the mall riot.

Some boyband called “B5” made an appearance and all hell broke lose. This was kind of surprising, in two ways –

1: By 2005, boybands had pretty much faded away from the scene and were mostly irrelevant. Hell, the Backstreet Boys tried making a comeback that year, and they couldn’t even climb the charts.

2:  This “band” was virtually unheard of – WTF was all the fuss about? Were these boys that OMG CUTE? Plus, this was a Disney-sponsored event; it wasn’t like Suge Knight was there promoting NWA. You can pretty much expect a brawl at a 2-Live Crew or C-Murder show, not an obscere boyband concert in a shopping mall.

But this is Brookdale. ANYTHING can happen. Gotta watch your back.

A  reader of this blog directed me to his website, where he snapped photos of the brawl – absolutely worth checking out. Before I saw these pictures, I had no idea how much commotion there actually was.  I figured, maybe a few squad cars and the sheriff. No, they had what looked like fucking SWAT teams in full-on riot rear, guns drawn, and hundreds of paddywagons & Crown Vics surrounding the shopping center. The reader even said he saw a “Water Patrol” vehicle there, boat and all!

http://www.mindformation.com/brookdale_disturbance.html

Yep. Just your ordinary day at the Brookdale Mall.

Sportsman’s Warehouse: Coon Rapids, MN

Strap a smoke-wagon on your side and come visit the SPORTSMAN’S WAREHOUSE

I am NOT an “outdoors” girl. You will not find me hanging out in a tent waiting for bears or hiding behind cattails in the swamp, blowing on a duck call. Why, the last time I was in the Great Outdoors was when I was 17, working at Target, and made out with the cart boy in the woods behind the store during my 15-minute break.

Hell, I don’t even get the point of camping. So you go out in the woods with a tent, some sleeping bags, a bag of marshmallows, and a pack of hot dogs. Then what? Wander around the woods? Bathe with fish? Start a fire boyscout-style? Make love in the brush and then fall asleep on a pile of rocks? Sit around drinking beer?  Not my type of fun. Knowing my luck, all I’d get out of a weekend of camping would be a backache and a nasty hangover. HOTEL, PLEASE.

But before this place turns into an empty, weed-strewn parking lot, Dumpy Strip Malls has a look-see. Let’s just say that I was dragged to this place by my “dear” (pun intended), and I needed a way to entertain myself other than making asinine jokes, like pointing to a large deer head mounted on the wall, saying, “Why, look dear! It’s Lawrence ELK!”

So I figured I’d make this trip worth my while — snap some pics and make a melodramatic blog entry about Sportsman’s Warehouse before it leaves Minnesota for good.

Why couldn’t the Sportsman’s Warehouse 3 locations (Woodbury, St. Cloud, and Coon Rapids) survive in Minnesota? I’m probably not the one to ask since I don’t frequent these types of stores, but I’m guessing it was a lethal combination of the economy (way to go out on a limb there, right?!), and a glut of big box sporting goods-type stores in the area. What, there’s Cabela’s, Joe’s, Gander Mountain, Dick’s, REI, Sports Authority, not to mention the random local bait shops, gun stores, and western-wear outfitters

The exterior of Sportsman’s Warehouse is pretty generic. It doesn’t have the window-dressing and fanfare of a Cabela’s. Hell, this could be a picture of a Bed Bath and Beyond for all you know.

Damn. I remember when the only place to get tackle boxes and canteens was Burger Brothers or the Holiday Superstore. (So ahead of its time, ya know? Full-sized grocery store + mass merchandiser, liquor store, AND sporting goods store. This kind of store was unheard of in the ’80s. You could buy a a head of lettuce, vanilla extract, a Cabbage Patch ragdoll, and new Rapala lure all in the same trip. Pure MAGIC.)

Being true to its “Warehouse” name, the Sportsman’s Warehouse looks like a stockroom with its concrete floors and wood-splintery shelving. No need to make an afternoon here – this isn’t Cabela’s. There is no Titanic-style grand staircase climbing up to a restaurant selling wild game burgers, sickly sweet fudge, and chocolate mousse (tee he he!); Sportsman’s Warehouse has a couple creaky single-file staircases that lead up to a loft where they sell canoes and life vests. No restaurant here, but you’re really hungry you can buy some jerky, Brach’s chocolate covered raisins, and knock-off tootise rolls near the Menards-style, impulse-purchase candyland near the checkout lanes.

They’ve got everything you need for your next excursion into The Wild. Cast iron cookware, backpacks & coolers, clay pigeons, various weaponry, army-grade survival food, pamphlets to guide you on what do to if you stumble upon a meth lab in the woods while hunting, literature of the latest MN/WI hunting & trapping regulations to keep the DNR from kicking down your door, and an assortment of outdoor clothing for those times when Old Navy fleece just won’t do.

I bet Dick Cheney shops at Sportsman’s Warehouse. I don’t think he’s the REI type.

Like Cabela’s, they have feats of taxidermy displayed throughout the store, but it’s nowhere near the Zoo Cemetery that Cabela’s has goin’ on.  Don’t fret though — Sportsman’s Warehouse has plenty to see. Lots of deer heads, muskrats, walleyes, and other various prized wild game species mounted on the walls around the whole store, so you still feel like you’re on a shopping safari. I think the most memorable taxidermy display was this angry-looking, on-a-mission grizzly staged high on a platform near the duck decoy section, posed as if just woke up from hibernation and just spotted a pile of rotting food in a campground trashcan. Some may say that the mummification displays are disheartening and barbaric. Me? Nah. Some of it, like that blasted bear, scares the shit out of me. Where’s  that happy-go-lucky Big Mouth Billy Bass when you need him? (Oh that’s right, he’s off starring in a singsong McDonald’s commercial).

I wandered around with my “dear”, as he looked at compasses and outdoor clothing. Prices were only 30% off — which I was thankful for — had the discount been greater, he would’ve walked out of the store looking like GI Joe.

The gun & ammo counter was busy, no surpise. So many nuts out there think that by the time Obama’s term is up, the only guns we’ll be able to shoot are freakin’ SuperSoakers.  The two guys working behind the counter had on their Wild West standoff “I’m armed and dangerous so don’t fuck with me” faces, thwarting any questions anyone had about anything. Yeesh. So much for getting that new Uzi Tommy Gun 😦 I was planning on shooting some migratory waterfowl. I”m tired of all those damn geese and pigeons pooping on my deck and mating in my yard.

I checked out the women’s clothing section, in hopes  of finding a discounted North Face jacket (Not because I snowshoe or go on winter hikes.  I just need to stay warm in my luxury SUV…). No luck. The racks were pretty bare, except for a shit-ton of pink camouflage bikinis. For a liquidation sale, the store was still pretty organized and neat – it didn’t look like bomb went off in the place like the Maple Grove Circuit City did when I visited during their going out of business sale.

We walked out empty-handed — 30% off just wasn’t enticing enough to make a purchase. I’m sure they slashed prices even deeper, but we never made it back here before that happened.

So yeah, the Sportsman’s Warehouse really isn’t my thing (though those duck decoys are awfully cute!), but my lovely “dear” enjoyed this place and said he was sorry to see it go. And no, it didn’t pull a Circuit City on us; it just fled Minnesota. Sportsman’s Warehouse is based out of Utah and still has many locations, especially in the Western United States. Go West, young man, and you will find the Sportsman’s Warehouse if you so seek it.

Enjoy the rest of the photos! FYI, this place is already closed (shut the doors sometime in April) and a lot of my pictures from inside this place did not turn out well so that’s why there are so few.

Photos taken March 2009 & May 2009.

Soon, there will be 2 blank spots on the Riverdale sign. My guess is that the blank spot on top was a Linen's & Things

Yes, they sell shoes, but don't get too excited. No Jimmy Choos here, ladies. This is a OUTDOORS MANLY-MAN GUY'S GUY store.

Latest news in the BROOKDALE DEATH WATCH

Come next month, Brookdale will basically be a Sears with a mausoleum tacked on to it.

That’s because yet another anchor, Barnes and Noble, plans to close its doors next month.   It’s not economy-related; according to the StarTribune article, they’re succumbing to peer pressure and closing up shop because everyone else is.  I don’t blame them.

Last year at this time, Brookdale had all but one of its anchor stores in tact (no Mervyn’s).  There was a Macy’s, Steve & Barry’s, Barnes & Noble, and Sears. In general, if a dying mall can keep its anchors, there’s hope.

Today, the anchor stores are all but gone and so is the fantasy of Brookdale’s revival.  I highly doubt there will be an Eden Prairie Center-type rejuvination. If a resurgence was going to happen, it would’ve happened in the early 2000’s when the big remodel took place.

Just looking at this mall via Highway 100 & it looks downright spooky, even during the daytime. The old Steve & Barry’s has some sort of mold growing down the face of the building. Macy’s has garbage bags on its doors. The parking lot has no cars and is full of potholes, loose gravel, and trash. The lot fixtures and animal guideposts all have rust on them. If it weren’t for the random delivery trucks at Sears, you’d think this mall was closed.

There isn’t much shopping to be done here anymore. You could say that Brookdale is just one big, glorified bus stop: Shady characters loitering about, while waiting for the #5 Metro Transit bus to arrive.  Or blue-haired seniors congregating in the parking lot to board a casino-bound caravan to shove nickels down an “I Dream of Jeanie” slot machine in hopes of either hittin’ the jackpot or having some slapstick adventure to star in a “Grand Casino Story” commerical…like locking yourself out of your room while your hubby gambles away your retirement on a Cleopatra-themed slot machine, and then getting caught by the cleaning lady ( “an Angel”) in the hotel hallway, holding a bucket of ice and wearing your only your nightie.  “Not funny!!!”

Anyway.

It’s over folks. 😦 Board ‘er up and call it a day.

Moon Plaza: Fridley, MN

Either the "y" in "Supply" fell off & is buried somewhere in the snow or the sign maker was lazy. Considering the lackadaisical effort on the character kerning on the word "open", I'm guessing the latter.

For those of you who don’t consider yourself “Down to Earth”, Fridley has a shopping center just for you!

Welcome to Moon Plaza, an out-of-this-world 1960’s style strip mall located off of University Avenue in Fridley, MN.  Surrounded by a bunch of crumbling, abandoned buildings, depressing Moon Plaza fits right in with the local atmosphere.

Built in 1965, the Moon Plaza looks like it’s never been updated. The sign itself looks like it’s still stuck in the decade of weed smoking, mud orgies, and free love.  Back in the ’60s, Moon Plaza was probably a pretty groovy place: Parking lot teeming with classic VW bugs and Buick Rivieras.  Go-go dancers in mod dresses getting Twiggy haircuts! Men in search of knock-off John Lennon-style eyeglasses! Worried moms stuffing two shopping carts full of supplies for the fallout shelter into the Chevelle! Mischievous teens dropping acid behind the dumpster!

Today, it’s just another University Avenue Eyesore. No longer giving off that “Hey Hey We’re the Monkees” vibe, Moon Plaza looks so melancholy and depressing that it probably cries itself to sleep every night, hoping, begging, and praying that someone, somewhere will tear it down and replace it with a Sonic and a Jimmy Johns.

The Moon Plaza ought to be sucked into a black hole

Its name — “Moon Plaza” — likely reflects a sign of its time. Constructed during the “Space Race”, America’s obsession with rockets, planets, and starship enterprises was at an all-time high. So what better than to name your new shopping center after a faraway object from the cosmos?

Or perhaps the builder was an exhibitionist and just wanted a place for other hot-doggers to feel welcome to publicly pull down their drawers and reveal their fleshy rear ends to the world (this was the ’60s…).

It was built in ’65, so Man would not land on the moon until 4 years later. But Man could land at Moon Plaza.

*shrugs*

Seems like a viable alternative to me.  Moon Plaza, the next best thing to being Neil Armstrong?

As far as the businesses here, there isn’t much to write home about. Every business here is of the “move-along-nothing-to-see-here” type.  Don’t expect to find a store selling moonrocks or moonboots here.

There’s a dry cleaners, an employment office, a beauty salon, the “Cozy Cafe”,  a Farmer’s Insurance office, etc.  Ho-hum.

I *think* there’s a video rental store here, so you probably could rent Star Wars or Space Jam or something. “Space Jam, come and slam! Welcome to the jam!” Speaking of Space Jam, don’t you wish they made more movies based on shoe commercials?  Anyway…

A view of University Avenue, taken from the Moon Plaza parking lot. The chain link fence on each side of the highway gives University Avenue so much charm.

I don’t think there EVER was much here. Personally, I’ve driven by the plaza many-a-times, yet never once stopped at this place. Never had a need to; the only memories I have of this place are ones of me thinking what a hole it is. Send this place back to the mothership! Beam me up, Scotty!

Enjoy the rest of the photos!

On the particular day I went to take pictures, we were getting a doozy of a snowstorm.

All photos taken December 2008…I originally had more photos but some were lost when my hard drive crashed. Luckily these photos were still on my digital camera’s memory card. I know they’re not the best…

A deserted gas station located near Moon Plaza. Random abandoned buildings are commonplace along Univ. Ave

Waxing or waning, any ol' time a good time to visit the Moon Plaza.

Despite its name, Moon Plaza cannot defy gravity, thus the need for columns to hold up the roof.

The Shoppes at Arbor Lakes: Maple Grove, MN

Shop and eat. Shop and eat. Shop and eat.  Thousands of years from now, anthropologists will study the ruins of the this land

You see, the extra "p" and the "e" make it KLASSY

and wonder if all its denizens did was buy shit and stuff their face.  Maple Grove’s retail area is obnoxiously huge — acres and acres of parking lots, big box stores, and pretty much every chain restaurant known to man. Except the Cheesecake Factory. Maple Grove needs a Cheesecake Factory.

Where can one find this shopping district? Why, just hop on I-94 Westbound and let the Great River Energy Wind Turbine guide you to the land of impulse shopping bliss.

There are so many shops and restaurants up in the Grove that if you’re not completely familiar with the area, you can feel very overwhelmed. So many of the shops are hidden in different nooks, crannies, and “pedestrian-friendly” streets that trying to find the Jimmy John’s can potentially waste a tank of gas. I live around in this area, so I do come here often, and I STILL get lost.

Some people say that Maple Grove is a soul-sucking suburb with massive shopping sprawl. It’s suburbia on CRACK — a boring, stagnant, nosey, do-goody, community-based, suburban nightmare. Pretentious hipsters LOVE to rag on this place – it’s “vanilla”, it’s in the suburbs, there are chain stores far as the eyes can see, there’s a fucking TGIFriday’s, etc, etc, etc (but we all know they’re secretly shopping at PacSun and Zumiez when they think no one is looking).

But hey, I’m not afraid to admit it – I like this place. I’ll go here to shop and eat, shop and eat, and shop and eat myself, until I’m Pittsburgh Blue in the face.

That said, Arbor Lakes and the surrounding shopping areas deserve a little mocking. 😉

Enclosed malls are oh-so 20th Century. The new trend is the open-air “lifestyle center” which basically is an enclosed mall but without the pesky amenities that the mall ownership has to provide, like a comfortable indoor temperature, janitors, security on segways, an information desk, etc. Just smear out a shitload of concrete, plant a few undersized trees & wee seedlings, add some parking spaces for the “convenience” and then let Mother Nature be your custodial crew!

According to the Wikipedia entry, construction began in 1998, and was completed in 2003 (5 years seems like an awfully long time to build a shopping area to me, but yep, I can definitely remember it being built in the late ’90s). I imagine this entire area was a big field or gravel pits before construction began.

One day, out of thin air, this wind turbine popped up in the Maple Grove skyline, pretty much scaring the shit out of everyone. “WTF is THAT?”

There are 3 of these  separately-named “Lifestyle Center” shopping areas, though they all kind of run into one big massive, sprawling shopping area in my head. It’s tough to distinguish which is which, (and I really don’t think anyone cares!) but this is how *I* break it down, yo.

Main Street Maple Grove : Maple Grove is fucking with your head here. This is that area across Hemlock Lane that looks like downtown in a small, midwestern city. Oh how clever, right? We haven’t seen THAT done before. It’s supposed to make you think you’re in a one-horse town in Central Minnesota. But instead of Rexall Drug and Hardware Hank, there’s a Chico’s and an Ann Taylor Loft, both of which you wouldn’t find in, say, Randall, Minnesota.

This is also where Bylerys and Party City are located, as well as a few restaurants such as Buca and The Claddaugh, (the latter is one of those restaurants that foil you into thinking  you’ve found a unique local hole-in-the-wall, but it’s really a chain). Remember, you’re in Maple Grove, Chain HQ of the Twin Cities Metro Area.

Fountains at Arbor Lakes: This is where REI, Dave & Buster’s, DSW, the old Circuit City, Costco, the Running Room, etc are located. I’m still looking for these “fountains”…perhaps they are talking about the drinking fountains?

Then, there’s The Shoppes at Arbor Lakes, where Dumpy Strip Malls took most of the photos.

First off, MISLEADING NAME. Arbor Lakes? I don’t see a lake (though I’ve heard there *IS* an actual lake up in the ‘Grove named “Arbor”, but I don’t know where this mystery lake is. If it’s near the shopping center, it’s probably more akin to a storm

Perhaps Buffalo Bill or Calamity Jane is hiding behind that “mountain”?

run-off drain than a beautiful freshwater lagoon, but I digress), and there isn’t a whole lot of arbor.  The imposing Maple Grove skyline consists of a lot of sand & gravel foothills, rouge dumptrucks, and gigantic tumbleweeds blowing about. Come here in the summer and you’d swear you were in a Nevada desert anticipating a wild-west shootout, not in a soul-sucking Minneapolis suburb with every chain restaurant known to man.

Every store here is filled with control-freak soccer moms & their SUV-sized strollers or swarms of teens (OMG!!!) shopping at Hollister, blowing up daddy’s credit card. The “shoppes” here are supposed to be “upscale” but I really don’t see anything here that I can’t find at any other generic mall. There’s a Bath & Body Works, Express, Gap, The Buckle, Ulta, J Crew, Hollister, Talbots, Borders (to name a few) — so yeah, your typical mall fare. However, since all of the stores are designed to look like small town “shoppes” with outdoor-facing enterances, AND there is a nearby California Pizza Kitchen and PF Chang’s, it immediately makes stores like Yankee Candle ‘upscale.’  I suppose if Payless Shoes, Fashion Bug, or DEB wanted to set up shop over in the former Sharper Image store, then we’d have problems.

From the outside, the Arbor Lakes area of Maple Grove seems like a happenin’ place, immune to the shitty economy. It’s still a “happenin'” place, but there have been some store closings. A few off the top of my head are –
The Sharper Image
Cost Plus World Market
Some frou-frou Paris Hilton-style pet clothing store
Krispy Kreme (now being turned into a bank)
Joe’s Crab Shack
…and I’m sure there are more.

For the price of dinner at Pittsburgh Blue, I’d rather go to Manny’s and get a GOOD steak dinner.

Local boutiques are few and far between here because the rent is sky-high…I actually know this first-hand. In 2006, I looked into opening a business of my own over in the “Main Street” shopping area. Yeah, not happenin’.

In the summer, this is a great place to shop. Minnesota summers are beautiful, so it’s nice that they made this place pedestrian-friendly and walkable. When the cold hits, it’s a bitch. I don’t care how many cheery, peppy Miley Cyrus/Jonas Brothers songs they pump through the hidden speakers, it isn’t going to cheer me up in -30 degree weather. Shopping at this outdoor mall in Minnesota just isn’t fun in the middle of January, so I’ll usually avoid this place and go to an indoor mall instead to be warm and cozy.

All in all, Arbor Lakes is a very successful retail center – who says decent, thriving retail can’t exist in the north metro?!

All photos taken Feb. 2009

FYI – I apologize for the lack of updates. My computer crashed on me about a month ago, and I lost most of my work, as well as lots of photos I had taken. I bought a new MacBook last week, so I’ll be back posting updates. 🙂

Information to add? Discuss in the comments!

Welcome to Arbor Lakes!

Ultimate Electronics...I wonder what the over/under in Vegas is on this place going out of business within the next year?

Granite City. Yes, it is a chain. Try their chalupas!

IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHUDDA PUTTA RING ON IT

I can't really explain why, but I've never liked Borders. I'd rather go to Half Price Books or B&N. Borders reminds me of Media Play. Remember that store?!

Wanna get shit-faced up in the Grove? Houlihan's has HUGE Long Island Iced Teas that will knock you out cold.

I took a picture of this because I really want that cute pink pineapple candle

A few of the Shoppes, including The Buckle, a typical overpriced midwestern mall store.

Le Gourmet Chef is just one of the yuppie-targeted stores

Note to FASHION-FORWARD ladies - Arbor Lakes has a Coldwater Creek!

Christmas lights? STILL? This photo was taken a good 2 months after the holiday

What this place needs is more chain stores and restaurants.

"Inside" of Arbor Lakes

Don't test too many of these scents on your skin at the same time. I did this once, and I walked out of Bath & Body Works smelling like a burning computer.

Speaking of burning, the Ulta store smells like melting makeup

A sale like this would make our founding fathers PROUD.

J CRACK, my favorite store.

Another view of Arbor Lakes

Ugly cardigan @ Express. Sad thing is, I kind of like it. I would totally wear something like this.

Brookdale Macy’s-Officially DEAD

Well, it’s gone, folks. In case you were wondering, the Brookdale Macy’s is gone. Now, I’m not sure exactly when it closed, as I didn’t visit the store or the mall other than when I was there in late January.

I drive by Brookdale via Highway 100 almost every day and noticed that last week, the doors were all covered with what looks like a white sheet, and the Macy’s sign was taken down (you can see a combo Marshall Field’s/Daytons (*sob*) labelscar on the side of the building).  Up until about last week, there were several cars in the parking lot, so I assume the Macy’s had been open recently.  Wonder if they were able to sell off all their tacky urbanwear – or will we have the pleasure of seeing orange plastic jackets, blinged out baby t’s,  and other timeless apparel that appeals to your average Block E loiterer, down at TJ Maxx piled in a disorganized heap in a few months?

I apologize for the lack of updates. I do have several posts in the works & a few are close to being finished, but haven’t had the time to tweak them up yet. Problem is, my hard drive died on me and the pictures that didn’t get uploaded to WordPress were lost…so I have the write-ups done, but I have to go back to a few locations to snap pictures again. BACK UP YOUR WORK, PEOPLE!

Stay tuned…should have a new post (or 2) this week!

Albertville Premium Outlets: Albertville, MN

Albertville Premium Outlets: Where Clothes Come to Die!

It used to be that when you thought of outlet mall shopping, things that came to mind would be shapeless clothes, factory-second linens, and orthopedic shoes. Don’t worry–you can still get that kind of stuff here, but Albertville Premium Outlets is marketed as a “premium” outlet center. The center is owned by Chelsea Premium Outlets, a chain of outlet malls around the country that boast of having designer outlet stores for label-conscious shoppers at discounts up to 75% off every day.

This outlet mall put Albertville, MN on the map

Okay, well, that can be true, but let’s cut the BS.

Some may say that this is an excellent place to find deals; others will say that this place is a last ditch effort to screw the consumer until they send it to TJ Maxx.

Me? I’m on the fence. You can get good deals here, but you have to have done your research and know what you’re buying. Leave your “sale goggles” at home — don’t just buy something here because “you’re at an outlet” and “it’s on sale.”

I kind of think the whole concept of outlet malls is a bit misleading. Just because it’s an outlet store doesn’t necessarily mean an automatic bargain or super deals, although it can be done.  If  you shop at the regular locations of many of these stores, you’ll see that the merchandise you’re buying at the outlets SHOULD be cheaper because the items are of lesser quality and were never sold in the normal stores in the first place. Basically, you’re getting what you pay for.

All of the TV ads and billboards feature a pretty fashionista doing some shopping, all decked out wearing her best heels and pearls. Oh please, get a better photo! It’s an OUTLET MALL for crying out loud.  I have yet to see people shopping here who look like  they’re going to the Guthrie. When I was here the last week, I saw a 400 pound lady wearing stonewashed jeans that were so tight, I bet she was itching yeast.

I have no idea when this place opened – I never personally visited (or even KNEW about the place) until 2004. I couldn’t find any information on it – but they added many more shops in the early ’00s, making the outlet mall more of an all-day, blow-your-entire-afternoon shopping destination. I’m assuming before that, it was a small outlet center, much like the North Branch outlets or the like the old Woodbury outlet mall (a major shithole, if you ask me).

It’s easy to miss the exit if you’re coming from the Twin Cities. Just follow the billboards, and take the first (and only?) Albertville exit and you’ll be fine.

For fuck's sake, they have a CROCS store!

The Stores

I’m not going to list out all the rest of the stores here. I am lazy and that’s simply too much work.  You can go to their website for that. One thing to note–according to their website, Wilson’s Leather is still here. Wouldn’t surprise me any; they’ve had their “going out of business” sale for the last 10 years.  I know there’s been some store closings in this mall, but I only know of a few. The only former stores I can think of are the Barnes & Noble outlet, the Bose store, and the Bombay Co. outlet.

Most of the stores here are your typical Joe Schmoe outlet mall crowd pleasers, such as:

Jones New York
Liz Claiborne
Kitchen gadget stores that sell oddball stuff like avocado slicers and potato peeler gloves
Casual Male XL
Izod
Calvin Klein
Van Heusen
Brooks Brothers
and so on.

When I shop here by myself, I have only a few stores that I check out. Those stores include BCBG, Lucky, Nike, and the following…

GAP:  I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of this stuff was churned out a basement sweatshop in a third world country. Plus, so much of the stuff here screams, “That is SOOO 10 years ago.” Yeah, not even “so last

I think I had this same GAP denim shirt back in 1998. 20% off of a denim shirt from 11 years ago does not a deal make.

year.” They’re pulling out all the stops here and going back an entire decade. This is where people are still buying those ugly GAP logo sweatshirts. If you’ve only visited a regular GAP store in a mall, you’d think they were put out of their misery in 1999, but no. These suckers are out on the racks in full force at the outlet.  You can even find tapered leg jeans here (GAP Outlet calls them “Classic” jeans, so head’s up. You don’t want to be wearing Mom Jeans, do you?)  Racks are chock full of weird sizes – lots of XXXXXL sized shirts and Size 2 Extra Short pants. I think they spray all their clothes here with GAP “So Pink” perfume, because I swear, if I buy something from here, that scent follows me home. Don’t expect to get really good deals here either (though it CAN be done. I’ve purchased clothing here for $0.97 before!). Example – on their “clearance” rack, a $32 sweater was marked down to $28. Bitch, please.

Banana Republic Factory Store: Oh boy, quality can be a big issue here. If you actually think you’re getting “real” Banana Republic clothing that was in the store last year, you’re wrong. I’d say 90% of the stuff here is made specifically for the outlet. It might look familiar, but chances are, it’s “off” in some way. For example, I bought a cute dress at the regular BR store. The next season, I saw the same dress at the outlet, except that instead of the silk material on MY dress,  it was cotton. And unlined. Yet, the outlet was claiming that their dress should be “compared to $160” (original price of my dress at the regular store). Claiming a cotton dress with no lining to a silk dress with a lining to be the same price, just because the pattern and style are the same is pretty damn deceiving. Just know what you’re buying, and don’t overpay for the Banana Republic name, that’s all.

Coach: I consider myself a really good shopper. I rarely buy anything that’s not on sale, so when I say that you can get good deals at this store, I damn well mean it. Now, you’re not going to get good deals EVERY TIME you go in here. Oh no. You have to hit up this place at the right time. Don’t ask me when that is because I honestly don’t know. It’s hit or miss. Yes, they do make bags specifically for the outlet, but no, they are not inferior or ‘factory seconds.’ I’m pretty familiar with Coach and I notice no difference in quality between the bags at the outlet vs. the bags at the full-price store. Word to the wise – do NOT come here for the Midnight Madness sale on Black Friday (don’t even come to the outlet mall on that day, for that matter). You will be sorry. My sister and I made the mistake back in 2006.  Be prepared to sit on I-94 in bumper-to-bumper traffic for several miles, just to get into the parking lot. Then, you’re going to wait in more lines, just to get into the stores. We got in line at 12AM at Coach and didn’t get in the store to shop until 2:45AM. At that point, you feel like you must buy something to justify the long wait. Pure HELL. Never again!

Other info (and things to be wary of)…

Like every mall, Albertville has the decoys — stores located at outlet centers that aren’t really outlets. I don’t care for such tomfoolery – don’t let the following stores trip you up!

Bath and Body Works: Medford and North Branch have the REAL outlets. (And it’s worth it because you can score some great deals! It’s like a year-round Semi-Annual Sale!)
Aeropostale
Justice
Maurices
PacSun
Old Navy – yes, this USED to be an outlet, but Old Navy converted all of their outlet stores into regular stores within the last year or so…..there might be more too. Watch out!

Then they have the stores that really raise an eyebrow, like Maidenform, Jockey, and L’eggs/Hanes. The fuck? Why do we need an outlet store for drugstore underpants? Are people THAT clueless? You can buy that shit at CVS, with a BOGO coupon.

Speaking of coupons, this mall, as well as any other Chelsea Premium Outlet centers, offers a “VIP” coupon book, though there’s nothing VIP about it. All you do is log on to the website, register with your email address, and print out the coupons. See? No secret handshake needed. I strongly suggest doing this, as many of the stores offer pretty decent coupons through this avenue.

Despite this place calling itself a “premium outlet”, it is severely lacking in the designer goods. BCBG, Banana Republic, Coach, and Lucky Brand are about as high end as this place goes. You won’t find Burberry, Prada, St. John, True Religion, or Gucci outlet stores here. That’s because we are hicks here in Minnesota and we don’t know what Prada is. 😛  Maybe I’m just a snob? Really, I’m not – I did drop $100 during my trip to the mall (oops) — but it would be nice to have that option. I look at it this way – if I’m going outlet shopping, I want to have the chance to buy stuff I wouldn’t normally buy. I’m not driving all the way out here looking for a discount on Maidenform bras.

If you are looking for designer stuff, may I suggest the wonderful Saks Off-5th Outlet in downtown Minneapolis? I kind of wish I still worked downtown — I used to stalk the sales racks over lunch back in the day. I once scored a pair of Jimmy Choos for $30!

I really think this place is poorly designed. Because if you want to ‘do’ the entire mall and start out at the Old Navy, and make your way all the way down to the Nike Store, you’re going to have one hell of a long hike all the way back to the car.  When I go here, I always hit up the same few stores and just drive to them. However, this plan can be a pain in the ass on the weekends because of the congested traffic. Plus, there’s a bunch of stores across the street too — “The Promenade”. I don’t usually bother with the stores over there, except for BCBG and Lucky, if the mood strikes me. They do offer a free trolley that tootles around around the mall, stopping at designated spots, but I’ve never bothered to try it out.

Word to the wise – there is no food court, which is kind of a shame because many people who come here end up spending their

Looks like the invasion has begun. Someone call Will Smith!

entire day here. They have a Subway on one end of the mall, a TCBY yogurt way on the other end, and a Dunn Bros Coffee on the other side of the road. There’s also a free-standing Burger King. That’s pretty much it. Oh yeah, there’s a oddball restaurant on the service road leading up to the mall called “Space Aliens Grill & Bar.” The fuck? For the love of god, why is this in Albertville, Minnesota of all places? It ought to be located in Area 51 or Roswell, New Mexico.

Much like the Mall of America, although to a lesser extent, this can be a hotspot for tourists (mostly due to our no sales tax on clothing). Every time I have friends visiting from out of state, they always want to go to the outlet AND the MOA. It can be a complete zoo here on the weekends, especially during the summer. During the week, it’s a ghosttown. And watch it – don’t plan on spending a summer Sunday afternoon here because you will fight the coming-back-from-the-cabin crowd on I-94 and you’ll be smoldering in traffic for a while.

As far as outlet centers go, this is as good as it gets in Minnesota, so if you’re up for a day of outlet shopping, go here & don’t bother with the other outlets (Medford and North Branch). Just do your research before you go and have realistic expectations –  yes, it’s an outlet mall but if you’re thinking you’re going to find cocktail dress for a penny, you will be sorely disappointed.

Enjoy the rest of the photos! All photos taken Feb. 2009.

A tacky Banana Republic outfit made specifically for the outlet. Let’s be real – an elephant logo sweatsuit would not fly in the regular store.

Just because it’s located at an outlet mall doesn’t mean it’s a REAL outlet store

Store Directory

The Presidents Day Sale

A lot of times you're better off shopping at the regular stores

Coldwater Creek...A fashion DON'T, unless you're 60.

More hot shopping action!

Play Area

Outside the Coach store

I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BROILED!!!

I'd like to get a pair of Coach sunglasses, but they didn't have any that were big enough. I like sunglasses, with white frames, that are as big as my head. Seriously. I probably look ridiculous but that's how I roll.

See, this is what I'm talking about - here is the Banana Republic Factory Store. I shop at BR a lot, and I KNOW these items were NEVER in the "real" store.

I don't care for all the splashy logos, but I like the color

Some of the stores across the street

I keep going back here and I often have to ask myself, "Why?!"

Coach or not, you couldn't PAY me to carry a fanny packs. And at only 30% off? Fuck, who are they trying to kid?

Krispy Kreme: Maple Grove, MN

Who likes a little DRAMA with their donuts? Minnesotans, that’s who!

The first Krispy Kreme retail location opened in Maple Grove in April 2002 with major fanfare and a media shitstorm. And

Krispy Kreme's conveyer-belt donuts couldn't even last a decade in Minnesota

in February 2008,  it went out with less than a whimper.

When the Krispy Kreme opened in Maple Grove, there was  an incredible amount of commotion. I guess it set a KK store opening record. Hundreds of people camped outside the Krispy Kreme for several days,  all local news stations were there doing live reporting from the scene, and they had policemen directing traffic in the area. There were even ad hoc donut tycoons selling boxes of Krispy Kremes on street corners for profit! The congested traffic and long lines went on for months.

Yeah, all of this ballyhoo over hot donuts. Nutrition was officially dead in 2002; long live rotted pancreases, kidneys, and livers!

Ahh, it was such a simpler time back then. In those days, our biggest worry was timing a visit to Krispy Kreme to get there right when the blinking light goes off.  These days, it’s all about the unemployment rate, the in-the-crapper economy, and poisoned peanut butter. These days, no one’s going to play hooky at work to camp out for donuts – ‘cuz if you have a job, you do whatever you can to keep it. (By the way, if you think I’m going to knock on those folks to pitched tents outside of Krispy Kreme, or the donut entrepreneurs who flipped donuts on the black market, you’re wrong. I’m not one to talk. I’m one of those jokers who camped outside of Target for 2 days for a Playstation 3, hoping to make beaucoup bucks on eBay, only to sell it at a loss.)

The Krispy Kreme phenomenon only lasted for six years in Minnesota. Krispy Kreme Minnesota locations began closing in the summer of 2007. The Maple Grove location was the last one standing, and it didn’t last much longer, closing its doors in February 2008. Today, the Krispy Kreme building is empty.

I never understood why people were so krazy about those things. I’d hear the excuse that you have to get them while they’re hot, but when you fry up some shortening and dough, anything will taste good hot. I tried ’em hot and still didn’t get the hype. All it was, was a warm donut. Big whoop. I could emulate the same thing myself in the microwave.

Krispy Kreme’s major fault was they grew so fast that they over saturated the market with their product. In a few short months, KK’s were in every grocery store and every Target in the state. I think everyone in Minnesota pretty much OD’d on donuts.

My first encounter with Krispy Kreme was in October 2001, before Minnesota even had a Krispy Kreme “restaurant.” I was working at Target HQ and Target struck some sort of deal with this particular donut shop to stock these things in their stores. Prior to this, I had never heard of such a place. To celebrate this event, all HQ employees were entitled to a free box of Krispy Kreme glazed donuts down in the lobby.  I swear to God, my coworkers were going apeshit over this stuff.  Our weekly team meeting fell on this same morning during which the donuts were given away, and my manager canceled the meeting so we could all could queue for the free donuts AND have time to sit down and enjoy them.

Now, I’m not much of a donut fan – I’ll eat them, but I don’t get cravings for them (that’s because I eat DANGER for breakfast, not Bavarian Cremes). But because there was so much emotion and fervor over these pastries, curiosity got the best of me, and I found myself taking the elevator down to the lobby to pick up my complementary donuts.

The donuts were handed to me in a green & white polka dotted box with a Krispy Kreme logo that looked so retro, I started to yearn for those simpler times of sock hops, poodle skirts, and Dick & Jane readers. Hey, whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy…evening TV?!

Krispy Kreme has been closed for a year now, but someone is still using their dumpster

I hopped back on the elevator, holding my box of donuts, wondering, “How can CREAM be CRISPY?”  I was perplexed. Is that even scientifically possible? The anticipation grew after every floor the elevator passed.

I thought to myself, “I bet these donuts have some sort of crispy outer shell, yet are creamy on the inside…oooh, that sounds positively divine!” By the time I was back at my desk, I was practically having heart palpitations over my thoughts of the sugary consumables inside the polka dotted box.

I opened up the box, expecting these donuts to blow me away. Instead, I ended up being more disappointed than I was after seeing Jurassic Park III a few months earlier. Staring up at me were twelve generic-looking glazed donuts and a puddle of grease pooling on the bottom of the box.

“These look just like the ones from SuperAmerica,” I thought.  I picked up the donut and immediately wished I had swiped some napkins from the cafeteria. It was incredibly sticky, almost too sticky to hold.  I eagerly took a bite of the donut, hoping to have a near orgasm.

I was incredibly disappointed. It wasn’t crispy and it sure as hell wasn’t creamy. It was simply a sickeningly sweet glazed donut and nothing more. I could feel my pancreas seizing up from trying to fight the sugar and I swore I saw a spare tire forming over my waistband as the donut slid down my gullet.

“Good thing I wore my fat pants today,” I thought. I finished the donut sans orgasm, and stared at the remaining 11 police officer energy rings in the box. No way in hell was I ever going to eat all those damn donuts. I wiped my sticky-donut-residue-covered fingers on my fat pants and offered up the Kremey Krispies to Bob, my cube neighbor.

“What?! You don’t like Krispy Kremes?”

“Errr…well, I tried one, and it’s just a glazed donut.”

“But you gotta try them hot!” Bob insisted.

“Oh yeah, I’ll have to do that. I’m not really a fan of donuts though.”

Poor Bob. His eyes grew wide and he started to stutter. “But! But! You’re a member of the DONUT club?! And you *gasp* don’t like DONUTS?”

You're going to have to find somewhere else to have a heart-attack.

Oooh BUSTED!

 

Eek. Time for a little backpeddling. “Well…errr…I mean, I like donuts, I’m just not in the mood for them today.”

There. Face = SAVED.

I should back up. I failed to mention that during my time at Target, I belonged to this exclusive clique- the DONUT CLUB. (Or as I liked to childishly call it (in my head) – the Donut “Fattening” Club).

Oooh. A donut h8ter in the Donut Club. Did I live on the edge or WHAT?

I joined the Donut Club out of obligation. This was my first job out of college, so I wanted to “network” and try to fit in with my much older colleagues.

The rules of the donut club were that you had to bring 2 dozen donuts of a mixed variety on Thursday morning when it was your turn.  The donuts were to arrive no later than 7:45AM, as the donut club “met” at 8am in the conference room on our floor. Under no circumstances were you to substitute bagels for donuts.

I wasn’t a donut fan, but I joined this donut brotherhood because I figured it’s a good way to get to know everyone — and one donut per week won’t kill me, it’ll just make me feel bloated for a while. I just had to remember to wear those fat pants on Thursdays.

Once Krispy Kreme opened, the hype spilled over to our Donut Club. The rules were amended. If you lived anywhere NEAR a Krispy Kreme, you were to bring Krispy Kreme donuts. I was 4th on the list after the rules were amended and so far, everyone had brought in Krispy Kreme donuts.

The closest Krispy Kreme to me was the one in Maple Grove, but it was quite a bit out of the way. It wasn’t exactly en route to downtown Minneapolis.

Screw that. I was willing to suffer the consequences. The little girl lowest on the corporate ladder was about to break Donut Club Rules of Conduct. This is Minnesota though – and donuts ‘n drama go hand-in-hand.

If I ate a donut here, I wouldn't go to sleep for a few days

 

I ended up buying a box of Cub Foods donuts. I set them on the conference room table, stood back, and let the sparks fly. I had roughly 30 coworkers who were all foaming at the mouth for Krispy Kremes and I had to go & bring generic grocery store pastries. Not exactly a way to win friends and influence people, but fuck if I’m driving all the way out to Maple Grove.

I got out of the meeting without any bruises, but I did overhear several snotty remarks about no Krispy Kremes. I half expected to be discharged from the Donut Club after that, but no. My coworkers weren’t quite that radical.

So, back to Bob. By noon, he had polished off his entire dozen, plus 3 more out of my box. Oink, oink, indeed! Later in the afternoon, I overheard him whining to a few other people, (while shoving another one down his throat), about the donuts not being hot off the conveyor belt. Fuck, dude, they’re FREE. Whatchu complainin’ about?

Today, there is no national donut chain in Minnesota. If you want donuts, you’ll find them at a mom & pop bakery or Cub or Rainbow. However, Dunkin’ Donuts is coming back to the state soon, within the next few years. And you know what, it’s probably going to open with the same fanfare Krispy Kreme did. Lines around the block, community service officers directing traffic, lead story on the 10pm news. What I wonder is, why couldn’t we support the chain when it was here the first time? Because, 10 years ago, the only way Dunkin Donuts could get people to queue up is if they would’ve put opium in their donuts.

The Krispy Kreme drive-thru was once a center of complete chaos. Now it stands empty.

Everyone in Minnesota is clamoring for Dunkin’ Donuts and waxing poetic on how much they miss the place. How the donuts are spectaular and the coffee is to-die-for. The ones I like to laugh at are those fools who claim they just go there for the coffee, not the donuts. Yeah, right. Those are the same people who profess that they go to Hooters just for the wings.

I didn’t mind Dunkin’ Donuts, probably because I’m more of a cake donut fan myself. Dunkin Donuts have SUBSTANCE. You can actually chew them. . Krispy Kremes are mostly air and glaze and turn to mush when you pop them in your mouth. That’s great for Grandpa, but I still have my teeth and I want to use them. You see, if you mushed up a Krispy Kreme in your hand, it would be about the size of a marble. You can’t do that with a Dunkin’.

In KK’s defense, Dunkin’ Donuts are really tiny. Tiny, girly, wee little donuts – not suitable for a real man. You have to eat three of the damn things, when just one Krispy Kreme would’ve done the trick.

A blog post about donuts just isn’t complete without a police officer joke. So I’ll wrap up this long-winded post with my favorite joke:

How am I going to get my fried goo and lard these days?

A policeman pulls a guy over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are quite  bloodshot. Have you been drinking?” The man gets really angry and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

All photos taken Feb. 2009

Brookdale Macy’s & Brookdale Mall, part 2

The Brookdale Macy’s is closing and Dumpy Strip Malls is there!

I paid a final visit to Macy’s  last Friday afternoon.

It was just as I expected it to be — incredibly depressing. The store was pretty messy – it looked like a TJ Maxx at closing time. If you’re thinking of

This is a perfect time for me to recite my favorite Jurassic Park line: "That is one big pile of shit!"

checking it out one last time, I wouldn’t bother.

This is NOT like the other Macy’s in Minnesota, mang.

Vinyl clothing strewn everywhere. Jeans in the color scheme of a child’s fingerpainting project. Porn star formal wear. Dinnerware locked up in the jewelry cases. Anti-theft devices on bags of Whole Bean Starbucks Coffee

and boxes of Frango Mints.

Yep, it’s details like this that set the Brookdale Macy’s apart.

The prices on the merchandise weren’t anything to write home about. 30% off here, 40% off there. Meh. Give it a few weeks though and the prices will be good enough to tell Winona Ryder about this place – the clearance sale prices will likely be equal to stealing.

Most of the shit in this Macy’s I wouldn’t even take if it were free. See example below:

Even Missy Elliott, queen of the Obnoxious Parka, is going, "Oh, girl, NO."

The urban designers are the heavy hitters at the Brookdale Macy’s.  If you’re trying to look like Master P, Fergie Ferg, Jenny from the Block, or that dude from the Sopranos who got whacked in the 3rd season, you’ll find a stockpile of blingity-bling-bling-blinged-out threads here.

Or, for this Halloween, if you’re thinking of going as Master P, Fergie Ferg, Jenny from the Block, or that dude from the Sopranos who got whacked in

I can't think of anything I'd rather wear than a plastic jacket that will crack after a few weeks of wear. In your choice of colors!

the 3rd season, you’ll find your supplies here. And at discount prices! Take THAT, Party City, and your ridiculously priced $70 adult costumes!

Macy’s wasn’t quite at the point of selling their in-store display cases and mannequins for cash quite yet, but they did have what looked like a raffle box set up at the front of the store where you could throw in your business card if you were interested in a headless mannequin or rolling rack.

I have a lot of memories of shopping at the Brookdale Macy’s…well, more like the Brookdale Dayton’s. I can’t say I ever really shopped here since it’s been a Macy’s or even Marshall Fields. My parents bought our Disneyworld vacation from Dayton’s travel. I got my first pair of jeans here when I was in elementary school – a pair of light blue stonewashed (but of course!) Levi jeans and I wore them on the first day of 2nd grade.  Most of my back-to-school clothes came from here. I remember when I finally got old enough to shop in the Juniors department instead of the girls’ section. I was so excited!  When Dayton’s decided to get rid of their electronic department, we  got some cheap Nintendo games & accessories, including the Power Glove and the Power Pad. It came with Track & Field, and my mom also bought us Dance Aerobics, which was an incredible

She had dem Apple Bottom Jean (jeans)...

disappointment. Even though the Power Pad was like a prehistoric WII Fit, it never quite took off. Ahhh…so ahead of its time.

Probably my favorite memory of the Brookdale Macy’s was when my brother and I would play hide & seek inside the clothing racks when Mom would drag us clothes shopping. When she’d go in the dressing room to try on clothes, we’d hide out in the nearest rack to the fitting room door, and when she got out, we’d pop out and scare the shit out of her.  Worked EVERY time. One time, we knocked over an entire rack of corduroy pants. After that, we had the choice of a week of no Nintendo or wearing one of those kid dog leashes every time we went shopping.  She wasn’t kidding either – she had one for our little sister. It even reeled the kid in, like when fishing. *Zzzzzzzzzip!*

We went with the Nintendo option – even though taking away our gaming system hit us where it hurt, the public humiliation of being on a child

...Boots with the Fur. The whole club waz lookin' at herrr

safety harness was much, much worse.

We stopped hiding in the racks after corduroy pants capsizing incident. We took up another hobby instead: Whining. Because, as we learned, you can’t effectively whine at Mom to buy you toys if you’re hiding out in racks.

I haven’t shopped here in over 10 years, so I won’t miss Macy’s Brookdale as a shopping destination, but I will miss knowing that it’s there. Errr…that might sound strange. I guess I figure that if Macy’s can stay at Brookdale, then there’s some hope that the mall I grew up with as a child can stick around, and perhaps make a turnaround. But with Macy’s closing, it’s pretty much a death-blow to Brookdale.

Sure, I’ll poke fun at Brookdale, but do I really want a wrecking crew to bulldoze the place? No. I want someone to come save it. Will that happen? Highly unlikely, especially in this shit economy.

Reeboks with the Straps? The Brookdale Macy's is a triple threat for "getting low"! And check out those Laura Ingalls Wildler loafers in the foreground. My grandma would love those!

After visiting Macy’s, I decided to check out Brookdale again to see what’s changed. I last visited the Brookdale Mall in August 2008 – here’s my original post. In the short few months since I had last been there, there’s been some changes…

• Steve & Barry’s closed
• Macy’s is closing
• Victoria’s Secret is closed
• Pacific Sunwear is closed. I think Hot Topic is gone now too
• One of the jewelry stores closed.
• A slew of other stores closed & I can’t remember what they were

To my surprise, the mall was fairly busy (relatively speaking, of course) for a late afternoon on a Friday. I didn’t get harassed or threatened, but honestly, I did feel a bit unsafe. There were quite a few folks strolling through the mall who looked like they belonged on a police lineup . Lots of loitering teens “holla-ing” at each other.

I did witness a few interesting things though…

I overhead a little boy, probably not older than 6,  singing “Love Lockdown.” I suppose it could’ve been worse. He could’ve been singing “One More Drink” by Ludacris.

I saw a group of teens (a few with red bandannas tied around their ankles)

I kept expecting zombies to pop out of nowhere.

talking to a friendly law enforcement official. Yeah, a real cop, not Paul Blart.

A mom with about a half dozen elementary school aged children in tow, loudly dropping f-bomb a dozen times after finding out that Victora’s Secret was closed.

Two elderly ladies talking about how this mall has gone to pit. Awww. I should’ve told them to come visit my blog. Then again, they might not enjoy it, with the harsh language, stupid jokes, and lame pop culture references and all…

I spent about 15 minutes total strolling through Brookdale, which was more than enough time that I wanted to spend there. I probably won’t be back until I see the wrecking ball and bulldozer in the parking lot.

Well, I’m going to have to cut this entry short. I have to get back to writing my “25 random things about me” note on Facebook. I need to let friends, coworkers, former coworkers, high school classmates I haven’t talked to in at least 10 years, and the dude who works at my neighborhood BP station, and other random acquantices know that I have double-jointed thumbs, I still listen to the Backstreet Boys (their comeback material is shit, but I love the stuff from the “Backstreet’s Back ALRIGHT” days),  and my favorite cereal is Special K Chocolately Delight.

Enjoy the rest of the photos! (All photos taken Jan. 2009)

Check out the ORIGINAL Brookdale Mall post for more pictures and information about this mall.

MACYS:

Too much orange and black in this pic. Reminds me of those orange & black wrapped peanut butter taffy horseshit candy that’s given out by all the neighborhood grumps on Halloween

Wow. NEON BLUE jeans with fading. Flashback to 2001, no? You know, I bet Tara Reid would still wear these, paired with a baby-t

20 years ago, I got a Swatch Watch at this counter. 😦

You know you're at the Brookdale Macy's when... Corelle dinnerware is locked up in the fine jewelry case

40% off??! And an extra 10% off if I use my Macy's card? Don't try to hard-sell me, bitch. 😛

First thought: "Luggage! Aha, something NORMAL." Second thought: "It's fire engine RED. Yuck." Why does everything here have to be in some obnoxious color??

Maybe if Macy’s invested in a Bissel, they wouldn’t be going out of business.

60% off area rugs – I guess that’s not that bad of a deal. Those things are $$$$$!

30% off? Fuck that - I've got a friend in the diamond business. I'm sure he'll hooks me up.

BROOKDALE MALL:

Macy's is singing its swansong

Auntie Annie's Pretzels is closed.

Big Harry Deals- a dollar store with an “urban” touch

You know, would it be so bad if they tore down this mall and put in an In-N-Out burger? Mmm. Why can’t we have one in Minnesota??? So good.

Another view of Brookdale

Photo Gifts. Yep, just what I want. A grainy silk-screened picture of Grandma on 50/50 cotton poly blend.

This is where Stuarts, B. Dalton, and Maurices once were

The one good claim Brookdale can make is its "unique" selection of stores. Everything else seems to be Wal-Marted & Starbucked to death.

I love Brookdale's huge selection of stores!

Yay, the Brookdale Food Court. Don't bring anyone here on a date if you ever want to see them again

I can haz government bailout?

Will anyone save the Brookdale Mall in its 11th hour?

"Come See the Softer Side of Sears." Sears MUST have a soft side. For Brookdale, that is. Sears probably stays at Brookdale out of pity.

Lots of Minnesotans think that Brookdale should be razed and a Vikings stadium should be built in its place. 'Cuz you know, the Vikes will move if we don't get a new stadium soon and without the Vikings, Minnesota will just be a Cold Omaha.

Fuddruckers & Bennigans: St. Louis Park, MN

I don’t like Fuddruckers. I can spew vile towards this restaurant chain like nobody’s business. But much like a crack addict twitching on the corner, I find myself returning on occasion – usually under extreme protest and a gun held to my head — translation: I am going here because of an obligatory work function.

Birthdays, new employee welcome lunches, promotion celebrations, Mardi Gras – no matter what the occasion, it’s always Fuddruckers. There are dozens of other restaurants in the St. Louis Park/Golden Valley/Minnetonka area, but for some unholy reason, the admin thinks our team loves this place, so we keep going back.

Well, for the most part, our team does enjoy a good Ruddfucking. It’s just another coworker and I who have a stick up our ass about this place.

Get Gordon Ramsey in this joint!

You’d be surprised on how many business guy-type assholes come in here to “touch base” with each other over lunch. I don’t get it – find all your clients and whip out that expense account and take them to…Fuddruckers? Whatever floats your boat “at the end of the day”, I guess.  If you don’t believe me, come here around noon on Friday and watch them drink the corporate kool-aid in action.

I’ve been called a “snob” by a few coworkers over my hate for Fuddruckers.  Oh, I’m a snob alright. Because, you know, I only go to five-star restaurants where I can go pick out a chicken from the coop myself and hobnob with my high-powered friends, all of whom I’ve invited to a mixer on Saturday night at my estate, where you can overhear me saying things like this:

“Ahem! Thurston, could you please bring me some Grey Poupon? My finger sandwich is a bit dry. Oh, look! The Wentworths have arrived. Oh, hello Biff, that’s a beautiful polo you’re wearing…”

Fuddruckers is dirty, it’s grimy, I don’t like their grease bomb food, and it’s just not worth getting fat over. They used to hang dead meat carcasses in the windows for crying out loud! I can’t, for the life of me, get that picture out of my head. Not to mention that the last time I was there, I spotted a giant centipede scaling the wall.

It’s kind of expensive too, for what it is. I don’t mind paying $$ for a decent meal. Keyword = DECENT. If I’m eating at this place, it’s because of a work function, not by choice. Work never pays for our lunch; it’s out of our own pockets. I hate spending money on food I don’t like. One

You've never been fucked until you've been Rudd-fucked. (Sorry, I *had* to go there)

time, my Fuddruckers-hating coworker and I both had ONLY water and got hateful looks from everyone. So now I succumb to peer pressure and always order something.  I’m in the corporate world and ‘ya gotta play the game.

I should mention that there’s no waitstaff here – you order at a counter and they call your name over a loudspeaker when your food is ready. Fuck, if I’m going to pay $8.00 for a burger, $3.00 for fries and $2.25 for a soda, somebody had better bring it to me!

The folks who like this place go here for the burgers. I’m not a big burger fan (obviously, otherwise I’d probably luvvv this place). You can add your own toppings on your burger, allowing you to stack the tomatoes 5 feet high or if you want, you can put enough mayo on your burger to make it look like the money shot in a porn flick.

With the smoking ban firmly in place, you don’t have to worry about walking out of a restaurant anymore, smelling like an ashtray. That doesn’t mean you can walk out of an eating establishment odor-free though. Especially at Ruddfuckers. Yep, you’ll end up walking out of the place smelling like a hot, filthy short-order kitchen. I had to take my jacket to the drycleaners after the last time I was here – the french fry grease + slaughterhouse stench followed me home like a feral cat.

I think Fuddruckers struggles a bit with its identity – at least the St. Louis Park location does.  It’s supposed to have 50’s diner type atmosphere, but I really didn’t notice it much. Some of the decor does give out that “1950’s era/get-in-the-kitchen, woman!” vibe. However, there’s video games (BIG BUCK HUNTER, w00T!), tons of TVs tuned to ESPN, NASCAR flags hanging from the ceiling, a wall created with cases of beer (classy!), and, oh — and a giant bug crawling up the wall. Lest we forget.

Bless those doomed souls inside the Fuddruckers

Really, what the hell is this place supposed to be? A 50’s diner or ESPN Zone? They weren’t even playing 50’s music in the background. I heard TI’s “Whatever You Like” not once, but twice when we were eating here. Which isn’t a bad thing because I do like that song. Speaking of which, have you heard the Weird Al parody? Classic!

For all the bashing I just did, Fuddruckers isn’t ALL bad. Their milkshakes are large and thick (that’s what she said) and WILL get the boys to the yard. And BIG BUCK HUNTER. Can’t go wrong there. They have Golden Tee too – if I want me some cooties, all I have to do is touch the ball. It’s my preferred method of getting sick.

Bennigan’s

One crappy food chain down, 30,000 more to go!

The St. Louis Park Bennigan’s closed down (along with almost all Bennigan’s nationwide) in July 2008.  What will poor Butters do?

I shed a tiny tear along with Butters when I learned of the chain’s closing. Really, I did. I liked their baked potato soup and their Turkey O’Toole. Mmm…baked potato soup. Nobody did it better.

About 6 or 7 years ago, the guy I was dating at the time and I would come here for dinner occasionally. We’d always get in fights about the Minnesota Twins. It was like clockwork -the baked potato soup we’d share would arrive, we’d each take two sips, and the baseball bout would begin.

Bennigan's is closed. OH NO! I'll have to go to TGIF's. Or Ruby Tuesdays. Or Red Lobster. Or Chilis

He was such a homer that he’d get pissed over the not-so-nice nicknames I gave our players. Luis “0-for-3” Vas, Brian BuCAN’Tan, Brad “First Inning Rally” Radke, “There’s no I in team, but there are 2 in” Torii Hunter (thanks Chris Berman!), Ron GardenFIRE, and so on. There was one in particular that would really throw him over the edge (it also was the most childish): Matt LeSuck (LeCroy). Oh yeah, that’d really piss him off. So much so that he told me I might as well just become a Chicago White Sox fan. 😦

Oooh BURN.

Anyway, it’s not surprising that a nationwide restaurant chain would shut down in this economy. After all, how many damn burger sports bars do we need?

I always figured Applebee’s would be the first to go, not Bennigan’s. At least Bennigan’s TRIED to be different, with its St. Patrick’s Day theme and all. Applebee’s, on the other hand, is the most bland and generic of all the major chains and doesn’t specialize in any particular theme – unless you count “neighborhood grill with random shit glued to the wall.” Say what?

The inside looked like a you stepped into 1984. They didn’t even have flat screen TVs in here! We’re almost 10 years into the 21st century and this

Butters is going to starve.

place still had CRT televisions. I thought it was a requirement for all restaurants to have flat screens these days. Hell, if this Bennigan’s were still in business, all their TVs were probably still getting an analog signal and the screens would turn to snow next month. (**Note to all wannabe hipsters: February 2009 is the perfect time to join the pretentious “I don’t own a TV” clique.)

The St. Louis Park location had an upstairs “party” area, with another bar, a bunch more uber modern CRT TVs, and a few pool tables. I’m not sure if this is common at all Bennigan’s locations (the SLP location is the only one I’ve been to).  Sometimes this area is sealed off for VIP private parties, where they whisk people in with  high 5’s and secret handshakes. Most of the time, the area is open and it’s a happy hour free-for-all.  The upstairs is like a pigpen of 40-something year old nerds who went “AFK” long enough to get a Miller Chill + a game of pool in before returning to World of

Too bad this wasn't for sale in 2005. I'm sure Countrywide would have financed me.

Warcraft.  It’s just as gloomy as the main dining area too – even more so since some guy was killed up there in 2004 in a fight over a game of pool :(.
This whole area of SLP is beyond depressing. On this service road, we’ve got a few hotels, train tracks, some abandoned buildings, weedy parking lots, ugly-duckling office buildings from 1975, a shady gas station with prices well above the MN average, and — for fuck’s sake — a gun pawn shop.

Plus there’s all those white-elephant eyesore city internet wifi solar panels on every damn block that I don’t think ever got used. I feel bad for those folks who had one of those planted in their front lawn. Yuck.

Another view of Bennigan's. You can see the "Alaska Eatery" (formerly Shelly's) next door.

Photos taken November, 2008. Much apologizes for the bad photos. It was a gloomy day.